I'm getting too old for this...

Friday night was the local catholic schools' sweat-and-stink sleazefest (also known as back-to-school dance). First, let's address the facts that you are all wondering about.

Yes, it is coed, as it involves several of the local schools.
No, they were not wearing their uniforms, you sick monkeys.
I was there as a chaparonne, required as part of the job.

The job itself was relatively straightforward.

1. Stand around looking important.


2. Prevent teenage boys from hitting each other.


3. Keep the 1200 some odd dancing pheromone factories from knocking over the DJ stage.


4. Walk into the middle of the sweaty, grinding, hormonal, mass of teenage bodies and tell the girls not to grind their booties onto the crotches of the boys.


5. Stop the crowd surfing.

Let's just say that any successes achieved in any of this were only when students realized I was in their immediate vicinity. At several points, stopping in the throng even became dangerous. I realized this when suddenly a mini-skirt clad teen butt started bouncing against my thigh. Nope, she didn't bother to look first to see if I was a chaparonne. She just found a pelvis and tried to dry hump it. When I tapped her shoulder to get her attention, all I got was an embarassed grin and an immediate vanish into the dance.

Now most of you are thinking to yourselves, that doesn't sound so bad. But let's explore my options.

1. Smile and enjoy it: that makes me a dirty old man and gets me fired.


2. Stop the rump rub: that prevents me going to jail and embarasses a girl into behaving.


3. Freak out, scream, and curl into a ball: I considered this, actually, but I was worried that being horizontal would only make things more dangerous.

Sure, there's a little part of me that feels hypocritical for stopping the simulated soft-core that was going on that night. But then I remember that in 12 short years, I will get to club the pancreas out of a teenage boy for trying to dance that way with my daughter. And a quiet peace comes over me.