Monday, March 1, 2010

All Along...

I don't even know how to write a blog anymore. I used to do this because I needed to talk, and couldn't. Or I needed to create, and couldn't. It made me feel less alone than I do most times. Now it haunts me.
Do I use this to open up? I'm carrying a lot of hurt right now. If I dump that all here, people will want to fix me. The broken boy. And frankly I can't stomach that.
Do I use this to be funny? It feels strained, painful. It just isn't in me anymore.
Do I share my daughter's growth, and revel for a moment in the one great thing I have done? I think right now I just enjoy her when she's here, and try very hard to stop thinking when she isn't.
The thing is, I'm not the man I was, nor the man I want to be, and the man I am is not good enough. So why chronicle it all?
So I give myself a week. If I'm not compelled to write in a week, the blog goes away.
Thanks for reading, and don't worry about me too much. It's just words.

90 comments:

Marah Jean said...

Amid the twists and turns, valleys and dales, clouds and storms, thorns and brambles that you're enduring, know this:

you

are

loved...

by me and so many others. My heart is for you, whether you blog or not.

Vimineous said...

Dear Ramblin Rover-

I too have been struck by the affliction of non blog writing. I have been considering the same fate for my blog, but as usual I procrastinate, and eventually just forget about it for another couple of weeks.
Even through my weakness of bloggery, I must applaud you for taking such a stand and putting a finite end game to your endeavor. While you mull your options, and see if the spark of creativity ignites your fingers to tap out a new story to share, I want you to think of this: What was your first post about, does that post still inspired you to undertake this chronology? Have you reached that 1000th mile? Just let that drift in your mind during the week.
But if this blog does disappear into the cyber-ether just know I enjoyed following your instructions, and I do enjoy a smirk from time to time.

Inay said...

I just dropped by to say hello to your daughter...I hope she is okay...
I don't know what to say....cause i walked on the same route before..and can't say with those days..weeks..months and they years...and today am wondering when did that feelings ended....
somehow..somewhere...it just ended there....
The only thing i did in which I remember is to secure my children's future...and never did i try to be caught in the same web....
I know men is different with regards to this thing....
Well....i am proud to be single mom...and will always be.....

As for you...you will found someone new....you are a man.....

there are so many good woman out there....and i know someday you'll be okay...
but for now...have fun with your daughter.....there is always a room for healing and growing....


love will find a way...

God bless you.....

Gourmet Kelly said...

My dear Rover,
The title of your blog suggests that you can ramble on in your words or in your subjects. Don't feel because you started it that you must write in it to keep your readers happy. Write what you can when you can, and if you reach your deadline and you feel the blog has come to the end of the road; fear not. Another road will soon present itself and you can continue your journey. Just know that we, as your friends, are all here for you. Always.

Mike said...

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Sophia said...

Hey, I stumbled upon your blog completely randomly. I just started mine a couple days ago because I had this burning desire to get my thoughts out. I guess if you feel like that was your original motivation and it seems too forced now, then it's best to take a break. Whatever you decide, good luck.

Eci si Cami said...

You have a very nice and interesting blog! Your daughter is sweet and very beautiful! Me and my family we wish all the best in the world and we promise to read!
Greetings with respect to you and your readers!

Serendipity said...

Blog.. don't take the blog away. I read it for a reason and I like it. I have one myself feel free to read it www.steviejokillmer.blogspot.com Its a stepping stone for healing as well. I love my blog and I love yours too keep it!

Olive Tree Guitar Ensemble said...

Hi, it's a very great blog.
I could tell how much efforts you've taken on it.
Keep doing!

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Mindful Muse said...

I just found your blog and honest I think this is a great way to let yourself go, you dont have to read the comments people post.. I think is important to just let go even if it doesnt make sense to any one else.. it make sense to you and that is the one and most important thing.

I dont think you should stop.. I actually think you need not to worry about what people may feel about you. The important thing is how you feel about you.

I will follow you even if you dont blog any more. I find what you write very interesting!!

Jim said...

Keep er going. I literally just stimbled upon your blog and I must say it is refreshing, there are not many single dad voices out there in this complicated world.
If nothing else, this will be a great diary for your daughter as she grows and comes to appreciate the man you are (or were, when she is old enough to reflect)
'The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time'. George Bernard Shaw

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Tamara said...

I stumbled across this thing randomly. I just wanted to say that I read a bunch of entries, and enjoyed them. My dad died when I was 12, and I don't know what your situation is or anything but just know that reading your blog made me feel philosophical and wistful, in a good way.
Also, I'd be an astrophysicist if I liked math. It's currently one of my biggest frustrations.

My World said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My World said...

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Wings like Eagles said...

I just stumbled upon your blog...and I liked it. I am new to blogging and I enjoy it so far just because I can get some feelings out. It just seems very cathartic to be able to write it down. For me, no one knows who I am and I can say what I really feel. As for this time in your life, I too have gone through some really long, deep, dark valleys...but there is light along the way, and it sounds like the beautiful light in your life is your daughter...so hang on tight to that!

92045678 said...

Don't give up. The next blow of the axe and the tree might fall. The next door you knock on might open dazzingly in your face.

As Churchill said, Never give up, never give up, never give up....oh yes, and never give up.

Team Russi said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to pass along that I enjoy your writing. I hope that your troubles are fleeting and you're feeling better soon.

~L.O.V.E~ said...

life has ups and downs .... you have a very nice interesting blogs anyway, and don't take it away ...

I hope everything will be ok for you, the time will come for sure...

till then, never give up ...

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Mishieru said...

i feel that way too sometimes...it's okay. anyone can be like that. at least you have your daughter to give all your love and love you back...me i don't know.

Grayquill said...

I happened on your blog this evening. I found your latest post quite profound. I have had my share of pain, suffering, grief, whatever you want to call it. I wish you luck on your journey. I too have gone through times when others thought they could fix me. Maybe I was broken and maybe I still am. One thing I do know – my life is for me to live and for me to figure out.
If you come back I would love to read your story. Best wishes on your lonely journey.

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SUNJAY said...

hey nice blog entry..very honest and well put....I do hope you find your answers. Im sure you will considering you have such a nice support system....meaning the people who have commented on your blog!!

Pipster said...

Keep on blogging, whenever you need to do.

I loved reading what you wrote - and I'm sure you'll get what you need from writing it.

It is great to see guys sharing the inner workings of their minds for a change. :)

Sarah said...

Hello there... I'm just a Swedish girl with a blog from today... I lost my grandmother a week ago, and today I felt that the blog could be a way for me to be whoever... You know, no need to be the me people think I am, that I think I am. Just writing from the heart and trying to feel a little bit better one day... Thank you for writing, hope to see you back here again...

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Joey said...

I would give anything to have something my Dad had written. I lost my Mom when I was six.

He was quiet, and lost in this thoughts when he wasn't working. I always wondered what he was thinking.

Before computer blogging came along, I kept journals. They are for children... they contain my thoughts and experiences. Things I never talk about.

zuzula said...

Just stumbled across your blog - hope things work out for you. I've just started blogging again and it's helping me hugely - come back if you find you start to miss it!

The Independent Rage said...

Haunted by blogging. I guess we all take something different away from it.

Jeeva said...

Hi Rover,


Someone wisely said..

"When life becomes a battleground, your mind is your best weapon."

Please accept that life is always trying to teach us exactly what we need to learn. Whatever happened to you, saw it as a gift and a lesson to learn. The more you've learned and the more you've accepted, the more freedom, wholeness and satisfaction you've experienced. When bad thing happened to you, ten years ago, you could either check out from life or move forward and grow. Chose God as your choice. Everyone has their own challenges, and you learned from your own."

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Jake said...

Pretty sad, I just found your blog and it looked like a good read, I wish I could have been here before it came to a close

Chanty said...

Dont worry sometimes life doesnt go exactlly the way we plan.Only God knows what goes next.

Jeanette said...

Sometimes I feel the same about my blog but after a break it's nice to go back with a different outlook. I started mine after the loss of someone very close to me. Just putting thoughts and feelings out there. I met my husband and some other cool people thanks to my site and my life is completely different. It's great to look back and see just how everything unfolded. It's not just words. Take care.

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Take it up. Everything will pass!

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Angelove said...

Hope ya don't stop. Good place to ramble....whether from the heart or not.

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筠銘he0326ribertogarber said...

謝謝您的分享~感恩唷!!..................................................

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It's US! said...

Hi!
Just stepped in.
Disappointed you stopped writing.
If you feel like it in the future, i'm looking forward to it.

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CLJ said...

The thing to do is to develope a plan, a direction to where (the man resides) you want to be. Once you develope a plan, you have control of your destiny...you're no longer victimized by life's events. Remember, the key to happiness is to help someone less fortunate than yourself...it will remind you of how much you have! Chin up Rover.

怡潔 said...

感謝分享哦~會再來看看的~............................................................

protoworkannie said...

Hi, I just click to see your blog, but it seems it's the first time and may be the last. Just want to say, follow your feeling, when you want to write again, I am sure your readers are always there. Good luck :)

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K910athrinA_Petrin0 said...

三分之一的人生,可以決定另外三分之二的人生!!共勉哦!.............................................

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Burma家銘ege said...

All good things come to an end...................................................

SadeRa盈君iford0412 said...

困難要靠自己克服,障礙要靠自己衝破 ..................................................

SadeRa盈君iford0412 said...

你不能改變容貌~~但你可以展現笑容................................................................

玉苓玉苓 said...

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AlaynaGainer1姿吟 said...

Poverty is stranger to industry.....................................................................

致念致念 said...

pleasure to find such a good artical! please keep update!!.................................................................

柯凡豐 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。.................................................................

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玉婷良DGFHFJ瑋黃吳 said...

Of two evils choose the least.............................................................

原秋原秋 said...

Seeing is believing.百聞不如一見............................................................

許紀廷 said...

來看你了~心在、愛在、牽掛在,幸福才會繁衍不息^^............................................................

江美娟江美娟 said...

寫文章需要心情~~期待你再一次的好文章............................................................

原秋原秋 said...

世間事沒有一樣沒有困難,只要有信心去做,至少可以做出一些成績。..................................................

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老天爺賦予了強者的能力,就是要他比弱者多擔待..................................................

盈廖生家秀蔡 said...

幸福不是一切,人還有責任。............................................................

詩張婷詩張婷 said...

你快d upday個blog啦~............................................................

家唐銘 said...

拒絕冒險和成長的人,終將被生命的潮流陶汰。..................................................

翔馨陳陳翔馨陳陳 said...

謝謝大大分享!!經典!~(。・ω・)............................................................

Vanessa said...

Hola!
I feel impressed by the way you wrote your post. Would you like to be my friend?? I think we can share a few things...
Take care and smile =)
Loves,
Vanessa.

蔡曼鄭美玉屏 said...

Man is not made for defeat. A mean can be destroyed but not defeated...................................................................

秀李李迪秀李李迪 said...

一棵樹除非在春天開了花,否則難望在秋天結果。............................................................

偉冠儒冠儒倫 said...

凡事三思而行,跑得太快是會滑倒的。..................................................

翊翊翊翊張瑜翊翊翊 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。..................................................

洪勳劉耀德劉耀德華 said...

肯定與支持你!!!加油囉~..................................................

薛雍 said...

好熱鬧喔 大家踴躍的留言 讓部落格更有活力..................................................

duff said...

see- even the spammers want you to keep going. ;~)

i'm sorta back after 7 1/2 months off. trying to write weekly, but if i have nothing to say....

even if you don't come back and write more, please leave it up. i still haven't had time to catch up on all your old posts.

((hugs))

duff said...

me again. just thought i'd verbally poke you with a stick to make sure you're still alive and kicking.((hugs))

~duff

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BzirkWorks said...

Just write. You're funny. Nobody has time to fix you anyway if you haven't already fixed yourself. Which you probably have because that post was a year ago. A year is plenty of time to fix stuff. Or at least get started on it. Or not. Just write.